04 June 2013

Fantasies (Rated PG)


Pete and I were talking once about fantasy and reality.  It seems that addicts love to live in their fantasy world.

"What's so wrong with your reality?" I asked.  Feeling hurt that I was the woman in his reality and it felt as though he preferred his fantasy. 

"Don't YOU ever have fantasies?" He asked. 

I assumed he meant sexual fantasies and my mind drew a blank.  But I'm beginning to understand that I indulge in a fantasy world too.

I fantasize about waking up in the morning when my body feels rested, and just lying there in the comfort of my blankets, without little voices and faces pestering me about breakfast and cartoons.

I fantasize about getting a phone call at 4:00 from Pete where he says "Don't worry about dinner tonight.  I'm getting take-out.  What sounds good to you?"

At church I fantasize about someone saying something wonderful about me from the pulpit, complimenting me in front of the entire congregation.

I fantasize about having a friend who stops by for no reason.

I fantasize about moving with my little family to Amsterdam and living in a tiny cramped apartment.  We would ride our bikes everywhere and on the weekends in the Spring we would go see the dutch tulips. 

I fantasize about having a mother who loves herself enough to love and accept me unconditionally.

And of course, sometimes I fantasize that sex addiction isn't a part of my life.  I imagine Pete spending his evenings eating dinner with us, and going to movies with us rather than attending SA meetings.  I dream that our hardest conversations would be about our six-year-old's fiery temper.  I fantasize about never seeing that look on his face right before a confession, and the excruciating anticipation about what the words are going to be. 

So, I'm sorry if you are disappointed.  The most scanadalous fantasy I ever have is when I daydream that this song was written about me. 

There are a lot of fun covers of this song.  Brandon Flowers here and T. Swift here


  1. You just added 7 new fantasies to my list - which already included the perfect house, body and hair. :)

  2. I love your fantasies and I think you are more amazing than you give yourself credit for. Love you.

  3. lol i love love love this.
    im a dreamer too =] visions in my mind. and they include pretty things and pretty words and pretty places.
    being happy and satisfied in our realities. not the easiest thing huh?
    how do we do it?
    dreaming isnt all bad..

  4. My husband's entire family "escapes." Lots of TV and movies. Video games. Even books. Porn is an escape, too. I live in reality. Firmly in reality. So it's hard for me to identify with that. Sure, I have my little fantasies like yours above, but they are incredibly short lived. My form of recreation on the computer? Checking in on my friends' and groups' Facebook posts, reading blogs, or skimming through world news stories. All reality. He and I are wired differently.

  5. I fantasize all the time about fully trusting my husband. Of a life with no fear. I'm so with you.

  6. THIS.

    At some point I realized that I'd been fantasizing for my entire 20 year marriage. Fantasizing that "one day" things would be more "normal". That his penchant for porn would slow down... that he'd grow out of it. It never happened.

    Then the night came where he looked me straight in the eye and accused me of cheating on him (while I was raising our 3 and 5 year olds no less!). I awoke from my fantasy, realized I was married to a guy with some kind of paranoia problem not to mention a 20 hour a week porn habit.

    Cinderella has left the building people and she's never coming back. Onward and upward. I have kids to raise and myself to make friends with again.

    Love. Your. Blog.