15 November 2012

Beware: Seriously raw emotions

One facet of addiction that continues to cause me pain is the way that it robs some of life's most glorious moments of their glory. 

For months I trained for a race.  I ran and ran in preparation for that day, those miles, that finish line. 

Race day came, I ran my heart out, and at the finish line was my family.  But instead of the man I love, there was a shadow.  Hollow and empty.  In my excitement I soaked up the atmosphere and the praise of my sweet children.   But I longed for my husband, and instead was someone I could hardly make eye contact with, let alone embrace in joyous celebration. 

It makes me sad and angry. 

Like a black hole, shame and resentment suck the life and thrill out of meaningful experiences.

Pete is the person I long most to share everything wonderful with.  He believes in me.  He helps me execute all of my concocted plans.  He encourages me, he is there all along the way. 

And then, when it was all said and done, when I wanted most to thank him for all he'd done, he was gone.  In his place was the addict.  The self-absorbed, apathetic, justifying man who occupies the body of my husband. 

I've learned to deal with relapses, or I thought I had.  What I can't handle is the way, like a shadowy bandit, addiction sneaks in and steals away life's greatest treasures in life's most magical times.  Peace. Joy. Satisfaction. Contentment. Euphoria.  Snuffed out like a candle.  

Addiction is a package deal.  It's more than just relapses and sobriety.  It's an attitude of entitlement, it's pride and it mocks respect for others.  It justifies all selfish thoughts and behaviors.  It is cruel and cold. 

And today I hate it.  I hate it so much I cry tears of anguish.


  1. Oh Jane, so sorry it's rough right now:-( Many hugs your way. I've said a prayer that angels may tend you and comfort you. You're right, addiction sucks the soul... it's awful for everyone involved. Chin up! God is in charge and He knows your heart. Velcro your body to the Savior and all will be well. :-)

  2. Thinking and praying for you:) Thank you for your upliftment this last week, even though your were hurting you helped me in so many ways. I wish I could just hug and sob with you.

    Love you friend!

  3. Oh man, this post really hit me. I love how you displayed at as nearly two separate people. The Man and then the ADDICT. And the latter just creates a shell of a person that robs you of the support and love you EXPECT to have from the MAN.

    I feel sad. You deserve to have that cheering crowd for you at the finish line! Because you just ran yourself to physical exhaustion, and now you deserve to have an anchor, a strength, a light standing there and encouraging you and lifting you - instead of you, at your physically weak moment, feeling like you again have to be the strong one. :(

    Because I know what that feels like.

    I love you. Hang in there these next few days, through the aftershocks, through the stale air, through the confusion, through the fear of a repeating and never-ending cycle. I feel like this moments of re-healing always leave me dry again, but I just cling to the idea that there HAS to be hope. There HAS to be. There must be something in the future that will be happy again.

    And I have been proven that time and time again. Love you, sending prayers your way.

  4. I wanted to come out of my oddly self-imposed online isolation to throw my virtual arms around you. You are amazing. This isn't fair. So very, very unfair. Your family is in my prayers.

  5. I'm so sorry Jane. I know how you're hurting right now, and I wish I could do more than just say, "I'm so sorry Jane."
    You hit the nail on the head -no matter how much we detach and work on just US we have these days, these moments... where it. just. sucks. balls.
    I love you, sister.

  6. Sadly, I realized this morning that the holidays are upon us and I have to wonder if addiction will steal my joy once again. The last two lead ups to Thanksgivings have been tearful, painful, and excruciating. I'm praying this year, I will really feel gratitude and love for my family on Thursday. I have the same prayer for you.
    PS It was good to "see" you again today. I hope you are feeling better tonight.
    PPS And didn't you love Just Me's thought, "of course you know what to do. But having the strength to do it is a different matter."

  7. I just read this. I'm so sorry for you. I understand the detachment better, just now. It sucks and it's not fair, but you're strong, you'll get through this. You deserve peace. S.

  8. Jane, I am sorry... truly.

    Love you.

  9. Its never ever only pornography.Never.

  10. I am struggling so much to give the Addiction all that it owns, while also recognizing that not EVERY bad (or even just imperfect) thing is his fault. how do you find the balance? How do you know when you get to blame the addiction (or addict)?

    1. Oh Mrs. A- that's like the million dollar question. And I've yet to figure it out, it is usually only in hindsight that I can see when it was the addict. I know Pete feels like I blame everything on the addiction, which then makes him feel like that defines him. But I'm not going to do a perfect job of being able to discern when he's being an addict and when he's just being human, so he has to grant me a little leniency while I figure it out. It's the least he can do. :)