06 August 2011

My Story

When I married my husband (who I refer to as "Pete") eight years ago in the temple he was a straight arrow.  He was chaste and morally clean.  He had never been tempted by pornography or self-gratification.   Four or five years into our marriage he began to travel for work and one night in his hotel room out of curiosity he viewed pornography for the first time.  In the last three years he has worked hard to deal with this ever growing addiction and we continute to endure setbacks.  I believe in the atonement, I am committed to our marriage, and I have hope for better days.  But it is a difficult road at times and I started this blog to express my thoughts and share my insights.


  1. I just e-mailed you in the forum. I think you're only the 2nd person I've known whose husband actually started into this as an adult. Wow. I haven't read your whole blog (obviously :) ), but you should totally link to some of your specific & related posts on the forum site. I think they'd be helpful to others. E.H

  2. Mine started as an adult as well. about 3-4 years into our marriage because someone in front of him in class had porn on the computer.
    You have a great idea to creat this blog. I didn't think of doing something like that. I have never even gone to a group mtg because I just didn't think I could face having even more people know about what is going on in my family that people often tell me seems so perfect and happy. We are finally feeling happy again. It has been a several year process. I still feel afraid of relapses. I still feel vulnerable. But not so often. Now I have actually felt the gift of healing come into my heart and into my marriage--the gift I have had to have faith in on day at a time.

  3. My husband also started after marriage. Less than a year after, but it was after.

    Just so people know they aren't alone :)

  4. mine was 11 or so, he founs his dad's stash, he got sent home from hisssmison for it, has been disfellowshiped and i caught him again this week. sigh.

    1. Sending hugs and courage your way Anonymous!

  5. I just want to say thank you for this blog. I found out about my husbands porn addiction 2 1/2 years into our marriage. I caught him in the act. Still, he lied and lied and lied. And I pried and pried until it all finally came rushing out. I didn't react well. I remember curling up in the fetal position and moaning and moaning. I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like my world was falling apart. I had trusted him so explicitly. I am an honest person and I assumed he was as well. I believe now that I was prompted by the Spirit to pry and ask the questions I did because I hadn't even though to question him or consider the various ways he had acted out. We went to the Bishop. Things started to get better... Life changed, we moved, time passed. Now, 5 years (and 3 children) later, I stumbled upon your blog quite accidentally. I started to wonder again and ask questions and feel the need to sneak and check his computer. I do this periodically, but I felt the urge more strongly this time. I never found anything and I always feel awful and paranoid when I do that. But last night I finally pried and pried and pried. And he lied and lied and lied. Until he finally admitted a little bit. Still a lie. And I pried a little. And a little bit more came out. I know there is more and he is going to call the bishop today. But this time I was able to react very differently. I am grateful for your blog because the time I spent reading it 2 days ago helped remind me (at least so far, initially) that this addiction isn't about me. It affects me, yes, but it isn't because of anything that I did. It's also nice to know I'm not alone, even if our experiences are different. Dealing with porn addiction in a spouse is such a personal and private struggle. It's difficult to be all alone and not be able to even mention to anyone that you are struggling. You have to keep your "face" on and I've even had people tell me, "Your life is so easy" but they have no idea. The hardest thing for me is the lies. I keep praying that he will be honest with the bishop and me. I don't know where things will go from here, but I feel like I was prompted to read your blog and approach my husband last night. I know God wants my husband to recover from this horrible addiction and I know that God loves me and wants to help me recover and heal too.

  6. i got marry when i was 20 (now.im.35) still.married.and living with a porn addict for the last 15 years :(....