07 August 2011

Judge Not

After Pete's most recent episode I desperately wanted to talk to someone.  It always feels so lonely during the times when we are not communicating well.  What I wanted was a friend who I could pour my heart out to, and disclose everything.  I wanted some small relief of my burden by sharing it with another. 

Unfortunately I knew this wasn't possible, or wise.  I couldn't betray Pete by sharing his weaknesses publicly.  And I could not think of any friend who would be able to listen without judging.  Pornography is so taboo that I feel my friend's opinion of my husband would be forever altered in a negative way.  I wish this were not the case and it caused me to reflect on what friendship really means.

All I wanted was acceptance.  I wanted to be able to lay it all on the table with a good friend and have her love me unconditionally.  I didn't expect her to condone his behavior, absolutely not.  I just wanted to know that her loyalty would remain unchanged.  I've never felt so strongly the desire not to be judged.  It made my heart ache. 

I hope to take this lesson with me.  I hope to be the kind of friend that loves in spite of sin, especially much less grevious sins.  I hope to be able to offer forgiveness so instantly when a friend confesses or offends that my love remains the same, or perhaps even grows. 

My capacity for empathy grows each day as I realize that all of us have temptations that we are aware and often ashamed of.  Part of coping with Pete's addiction is finding humility and getting past my feelings of embarrassment and pride.  But that is another chapter for another day...

1 comment:

  1. I am starting at the beginning of your posts to get a full picture of your journey. Hopefully, it will help me understand my wife's pain a bit better.