Last night I stayed up past midnight reading this blog. Momma J broke my heart as she described her experiences, as they were happening, over the last two years since she discovered her husband's many indescretions. Repeatedly I wept as she wrote in anguish. I've been thinking about her all night and all day today. I've also been thinking of a friend I know who went through a similar experience. We were not close enough for me to know her thoughts and the details of her situation in the way that Momma J anonymously shared.
Have you seen Pride & Prejudice? The scene where Elizabeth is trying to explain to her father that she was completely wrong about Mr. Darcy? How she completely misjudged him? This is exactly how I feel about my friend. And not just her, but many other people.
It hit me today that I need this trial. I know my husband has his agency, and I wish dearly he had made different choices in the past. But this experience is teaching me something that I wasn't learning before.
I hate it when pornography comes up in church or in family discussions. It is uncomfortable, of course, but I hate the way people, even members of my family, talk about men who view pornography. It is so judgemental and condemning. What I'm learning is that things so often aren't what they seem. Men who are tempted by pornography aren't what they seem. One of my favorite lines in a hymn is from Lord, I Would Follow Thee. It says "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see."
We think we are qualified to make judgements with the information we have. We even justify our judgements by pretending that pointing out the faults of others teaches us valuable lessons. We suppose that we are taking a stand for righteousness when we sit around and discuss the wrong choices people around us are making.
This experience is helping me to see how little I see. It is helping me to understand how I don't understand. The more I learn the more I realize how little I know. It is so absolutely humbling. And that is what I need.
I love reading your posts! You are a woman of strength and compassion and love... The fact that your blog is titled "Learning from My Husband's Addiction to Pornography" gave me chills. I wish my blog (in it's early stages) had such a beautiful feeling of peace as well as a willingness to grow, as yours does.
ReplyDeletePlease continue reading Maurices blog. You will find his articles (all of them, but mostly the ones directed to women) to be extremely helpful. He emphasizes the reality of how our husbands addictions impacts us. It is real and it does hurt and it's OKAY to grieve. You are a beautiful woman, I can tell just by the few posts you published.
Thank you for sharing! You're optimism inspires me ;)
XOXOXOX
What a great post. Good men are suffering from this plague and we can learn so much from it since we are now involved. I have learned so much as well and hope that we can all teach others because of what we deal with. keep up the fight, you are amazing!
ReplyDeleteA
What a great post. Good men are suffering from this plague and we can learn so much from it since we are now involved. I have learned so much as well and hope that we can all teach others because of what we deal with. keep up the fight, you are amazing!
ReplyDeleteI think we're all terrified to talk to each other about this openly, because we think (or rightly know) that people will judge our husbands. People will think they are going to do everything bad under the sun because they are pornography addicts. And to protect our husbands, we suffer through alone and in silence. I've started looking at all the amazing men we know and wondering which ones are fighting this battle. Breaks my heart to think that many of them probably are.
ReplyDeleteI love this paragraph...."We think we are qualified to make judgments with the information we have. We even justify our judgments by pretending that pointing out the faults of others teaches us valuable lessons. We suppose that we are taking a stand for righteousness when we sit around and discuss the wrong choices people around us are making." I certainly have been that judgmental person in Sunday School, but after my addiction finally was discovered it amazed me to listen to how often the dialogue gets focused on other people's issues vs our own. (i.e. a lesson on the Proclamation of The Family can turn into - "Those darn gays have an agenda to ruin our family." because same gender attraction isn't the problem of the Sunday School class as a whole, while very little time is spent on "My family is really struggling with kindness and we aren't doing a great job at scripture study or prayer...I feel like we need help We look like we have it all together when we come to church, but honestly we are a mess...."
ReplyDelete