Last night I stayed up past midnight reading this blog. Momma J broke my heart as she described her experiences, as they were happening, over the last two years since she discovered her husband's many indescretions. Repeatedly I wept as she wrote in anguish. I've been thinking about her all night and all day today. I've also been thinking of a friend I know who went through a similar experience. We were not close enough for me to know her thoughts and the details of her situation in the way that Momma J anonymously shared.
Have you seen Pride & Prejudice? The scene where Elizabeth is trying to explain to her father that she was completely wrong about Mr. Darcy? How she completely misjudged him? This is exactly how I feel about my friend. And not just her, but many other people.
It hit me today that I need this trial. I know my husband has his agency, and I wish dearly he had made different choices in the past. But this experience is teaching me something that I wasn't learning before.
I hate it when pornography comes up in church or in family discussions. It is uncomfortable, of course, but I hate the way people, even members of my family, talk about men who view pornography. It is so judgemental and condemning. What I'm learning is that things so often aren't what they seem. Men who are tempted by pornography aren't what they seem. One of my favorite lines in a hymn is from Lord, I Would Follow Thee. It says "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see."
We think we are qualified to make judgements with the information we have. We even justify our judgements by pretending that pointing out the faults of others teaches us valuable lessons. We suppose that we are taking a stand for righteousness when we sit around and discuss the wrong choices people around us are making.
This experience is helping me to see how little I see. It is helping me to understand how I don't understand. The more I learn the more I realize how little I know. It is so absolutely humbling. And that is what I need.